Tuesday, November 13, 2007

The Guilty Pleasures..Chocolate, Dr. Phil and Masturbation

I am finally back at my computer after an uncomfortable absence. I was working way too much. I also broke my little finger on my right hand and wow-you really need it to type: (like that), enter, and anything with a P. It was during this period (aha, I can type that word again) that I realized many things, like the undeniable guilt I feel for all the things I love -which are only for me: Chocolate, Dr. Phil and masturbation. I suppose that eating chocolate when nobody is looking isn't so strange, but how about the great desire I have to draw the blinds, turn off the lights and enjoy one bite at a time while standing over the trash can, just in case somebody comes home. That cannot be normal. It is with similar acts of paranoia that I enjoy the two other favorites. Yes, I shamefully watch Dr. Phil, but only when I am alone. I listen to all of his "isms" and stare in wonder while he gives people advice that I think is obviously common sense. I hold onto the remote with a tight grip for fear that the phone will ring, my husband will walk in or one of my neighbors will run out of sugar. That cannot be normal. But all of this pales in the face of the production that is my system of self-pleasure. I go through the house picking up clothes, folding laundry, putting books back on the shelves-pretending all the while that I am not headed to the closet of toys. I am alone-but convinced that someone would see my intentions if I simply headed straight up the stairs at a gallop. So, I dance around "the drawer" where all of the magic happens.....sometimes I even dust it off before actually opening it. After I have explored the drawer and done the deed, I spend 10 minutes putting EVERYTHING back right where it was. Bedspread, curtains, pillows, and I have even thrown dirty clothes back on the floor to hide the fact that I was ever there.

So why the guilt over pleasure? We all do it (eat chocolate), we all watch it (Dr. Phil), and who wouldn't do it if they had the chance (as if I need to say it)? So why the covert operation? Am I the only one who hides in the middle of my own home to take advantage of what is already mine? I bought the chocolate, it is my TV and dammit if anyone is going to touch my goodies, it ought to be me. Maybe the guilt is my way of misbehaving, because I rarely misbehave. Okay, so I misbehave all the time - and I like it. Oh...I get it. Eating chocolate over the trash can is naughty and Dr. Phil is the guy my husband won't let me see, and the masturbation...well I guess it's all about the masturbation. Maybe the trash can chocolate and Dr. Phil in the dark are just foreplay-Final evidence that romance is not dead after all.